But Mom, It's Educational!

We’re four weeks into summer now, and the kids have been sleeping in, lounging, loafing, and otherwise gleefully wasting time. Well, that’s not entirely true. Mia and Jacob have been running with the cross country team most mornings. Mia has a part-time nannying job. Jacob and Philip have been practicing their instruments. And they’ve all been helping to walk the dog and clean up around the house. Of course, since they’re around the house more, there’s a lot more to clean up.

But when they’re not doing their duties with admirably moderate resistance, they are practicing the fine art of goofing off. As intermittently conscientious parents, we have initiated earnest conversations with the kids about using their time well because these are formative years and their minds are full of potential etc., etc., blah blah blah. As a result, the children have taken to figuring out how to justify as wholesome and edifying whatever amusement they currently favor.

Such as watching a cheesy, Arthurian soap opera.

You’ve never heard of cheesy, Arthurian soap operas? Well, obviously you are a cretin American . The Brits, always on the vanguard, have enjoyed the television show Merlin for an entire season already, whereas the show only began airing in the U.S. about two weeks ago.

Not to worry. It is possible (if you know how to navigate the deep web) to obtain the 13 episodes that have aired in Britain. For educational purposes. Of course. Because anything about King Arthur involving actors with British accents must be educational.

The premise of the show is that Merlin, the great wizard of Arthurian lore, was not always a great wizard. No, at one time, he was a nerdy but handsome teenager who worked as a servant for the young Prince Arthur all the while keeping his magical powers poignantly secret. Curiously enough, the main female players in Arthurian legend, Guinevere and Morgana, were also teenagers at the very same time in the very same castle. At least according to the show.

I can tell you as a professor of British literature with some actual knowledge of Arthurian legends: this is all very silly. The show has barely anything to do with the real source texts for Arthurian legend. I mean, the producers of the new Star Trek movie are fastidious scholars by comparison, having based their “reboot” of the ST “legend” on painstaking research into their canonical sources. The Merlin folks, on the other hand, use phrases like “loosely based” and “reimagining.”

But who cares? Four remarkably attractive young people in period costumes getting into all kinds of perilous mischief right under the nose of grumpy old King Uther, who is only trying to run a decent, magic-free kingdom—this is a formula for some deliciously decadent, strangely addictive entertainment.

Speaking of formulas, we've seen all the episodes now, and let's just say one can recognize some well-established... patterns. It is entirely possible to sum up the whole season with one composite episode. So here it is, our loving tribute to our new TV crush. Consider this your free sample.

Merlin: An All-Purpose Episode

EXTERIOR. CAMELOT. DAY.
Establishing shot of Camelot castle in Wales, which the French have thoughtfully preserved for the show somewhere in their country.

Cut to Medium shot of evil sorcerer-type person engaged in evil sorceror-type scheme—poisoning the water supply, kidnapping innocent townspeople, sending zombie undead knights into Camelot, etc. Dramatic music. Perhaps some cackly laughter.

INTERIOR CASTLE. DAY.
Merlin is doing little servant chores about the castle. Gwen bursts onto the scene with furrowed brow and a water jug on her hip.

GWEN
Oh dear oh dear! Something has gone terribly wrong!

MERLIN
What is it?

GWEN
Camelot is under threat! We are out of water/missing townspeople/experiencing a creepy disease/helpless against zombies and/or griffins! Also, I have a secret crush on you and we never get to have a decent conversation, what with all the evil villains around here!

They run off.

INT. TOTALLY PREDICTABLE, MEDIEVAL-TYPE THRONE ROOM. DAY.
(Uther’s throne, by the way, suspiciously resembles the coronation chair on display at Westminster Abbey. Wait. Has anyone checked lately to see that it’s still there?)

NAMELESS EXTRA
A terrible problem is threatening the kingdom!

UTHER
Gaius, you’re the stock wizened, bookish character: what do you make of it?

GAIUS
I’m afraid, sir, that this surely involves sorcery.

UTHER
Aha! Well! Never mind asking further questions to ascertain the scope or nature of the problem. I shall have to take immediate draconian measures. Because I hate magic. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I shall execute someone! By morning!

Morgana floats into the throne room in a gauzy, flowing, jewel-toned gown. Close up shot of Morgana’s furrowed brow, panning to her fetching bosom.

MORGANA
Oh king, you must approach this problem with wisdom, caution, and noble judgement!

UTHER
And ruin the episode? Certainly not! I have a responsibility to protect this kingdom and to maintain dramatic tension. You are my ward and the obvious hottie of the show, therefore I expect you to obey me reluctantly and go flouncing out of the room.

Morgana throws a glance at the hunky, chain-mail-clad Prince Arthur, who is brooding and pacing about, chin on fist, in the corner. She flounces out, reluctantly obedient.

UTHER
Arthur, you must solve this problem for me so that I can stand around in leather gloves, appearing stern and kingly. Go out there and prove how princely you are by doing something dangerous and useless!

ARTHUR
Fine!

INT. ROOMS OF GAIUS, THE COURT PHYSICIAN. DAY.
Gaius is twiddling randomly with sciency-looking gadgets, usually involving candles, beakers, and string. Maybe beetles.

MERLIN
What shall we do about the terrible problem besetting Camelot this week?

GAIUS
We must solve the problem with science. Or perhaps by whacking it with sticks. Sometimes that works in the middle ages. Whatever we do, you musn’t reveal that you have magical powers. The king hates magic. Hates it, hates it, hates—

MERLIN
Yes, but Arthur is now about to do something pointless and very dangerous.

GAIUS
Oh yes. Right. Merlin, your destiny is linked with Arthur’s. You have no choice. If you do not use magic, then Arthur will surely perish! And probably everyone else, too!

MERLIN
But you just said…

GAIUS
Just promise me you’ll be careful.

MERLIN
Um. OK.

Merlin, having puzzled for a while over this problem, decides to use his lifeline.

INTERIOR. DUNGEONY PASSAGEWAY.
Merlin strides along passageway, which opens out into a large, CGI cavern. A large, CGI dragon flaps into view.

MERLIN
I need your advice. What shall I do?

DRAGON
Every time I give you a straight answer, you ignore my advice. Therefore, I will say something mystical in my Shakespearean-actor voice. Here goes. The answer lies in the golden woods. Only the sword of emeralds dipped in unicorn poo can save you now. Make haste, or Arthur will die and you will not fulfill your destiny!

MERLIN
Always with the destiny. But where am I going to get… oh never mind.

INTERIOR, PRINCE ARTHUR'S SUPER-COOL, FUR-TRIMMED TEENAGER BEDROOM. DAY.
Merlin is doing something slavish such as polishing Arthur's boots.

ARTHUR
You know, Merlin, I’m feeling a little angsty about this dangerous and pointless task my father has given me. Too bad you’re too witless and clumsy to help me. Ha ha. [He claps Merlin on the back.] Still, I guess I appreciate our moments of awkwardly expressed brotherly affection. It takes my mind off Morgana’s cleavage.

MERLIN
Uh. Yeah. Ha ha.

INT. GAIUS' ROOMS. EVENING.
Merlin is practicing magic words, but nothing is happening. Gwen bursts in.

GWEN
Merlin, what are we going to do?

MERLIN
Do you mean about the fact that you are the only non-white regular cast member in the show, and therefore must appear undefinably multiracial in order to cover all the bases?

GWEN
No, I mean about the problem besetting Camelot this week.

MERLIN
Oh. That. Well…

Morgana bursts in (different gauzy gown this time).

MORGANA
Yes, what are we going to do?

MERLIN
Let’s make a plan that involves breaking all the castle rules, since we are naughty teenagers. But don’t tell Arthur. He’s the prince and has to appear responsible.

Arthur bursts in.

ARTHUR
What are you doing? Is it something against the rules? Because if so, I want in.

OTHERS
But… your father!

ARTHUR
Haven’t you people ever heard of Freud?

OTHERS
Hunh?

ARTHUR
Never mind.

MERLIN
Well, I’m going to go break some rules.

OTHERS
Well, we’re coming with you.

MERLIN
No you’re not! It’s too dangerous!

The four naughty teenagers then argue about who’s coming with whom to do what, whether or not Arthur should actually do the useless and dangerous task, who should fool the adults with a haplessly planned distraction, who gets to be the noble sacrifical hero taking the heat for the others, etc. Arthur and Morgana alternate between sniping at each other and flirting. In the next few scenes, Merlin sneaks about the castle. Or perhaps all four teenagers sneak about the castle, the girls inexplicably wearing flowing, hooded capes that create large shadows and trail behind them around every corner.

EXTERIOR. THE CASTLE YARD. DAY.
Arthur is busy hacking away with a broadsword at the weekly guest actor dressed up as an evil minion/creepy druid/rotten brigand/zombie knight.

ARTHUR
CLANG, CLANG, CLANG!

MINION/DRUID/ BRIGAND/ZOMBIE
Why are we having this sword fight? CLANG, CLANG, CLANG!

ARTHUR
Because every episode has a sword fight! CLANG, CLANG, CLANG! It’s an Arthurian convention! CLANG, CLANG, CLANG!

MINION/DRUID/ BRIGAND/ZOMBIE
I don’t suppose I get to win, do I? CLANG, CLANG, CLANG!

ARTHUR
Nope. I’m the one in the opening credits. CLANG, CLANG, CLANG!

At this point, it’s time for the show’s climax. This might involve the teenagers getting caught sneaking about the castle, OR the sword fight saving the day. Alternatively, we might need Merlin to go tramping about a woodsy soundstage in his rustic leather jacket, conversing with low-budget special effects. Whatever it is, at some point, Merlin will whisper magical words.

Close up of Merlin, hiding behind a tree or farm cart, his hand outstretched over or toward some object.

MERLIN
(in a vaguely Welsh accent): whusha whusha whusha whusha whusha whusha

***Something dramatic happens.
Music swells appropriately, beginning with throaty, lush lower strings and concluding with cymbal clashes and french horn blasts. ***

MINION/DRUID/ BRIGAND/ZOMBIE
Urghhh!

Druid/zombie keels over. Arthur flips off the bucket he is wearing as a helmet. He sweats handsomely into the camera.

EXTERIOR. TOWN SQUARE. DAY.
Lots of straw and animals and burlap-clad people strewn about.

TOWNSPEOPLE
Hooray! We have no idea that Merlin just used magic to save the day! We’ll give the credit to Prince Arthur instead! We are happy random townspeople again!

ARTHUR
[Sweating] There, Daddy. You see I’ve saved the day. Again.

UTHER
Yes, son. Yes, I suppose you have. And it’s a good thing you’ve rid the kingdom of magic once again. Because I hate magic. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Witty banter between Arthur and Merlin. In the background, Morgana looks lovely in yet another gauzy gown while Gwen appears puzzled, but happy.


END.




So. You can see how we could become enamored of such a show. I’m a little worried that my students will start watching it, because if they do, they will like it much much better than the real stuff I teach in my courses. And we will be forced to lament once again the sad deprivations suffered by people in the medieval period, when they had only rhyme and meter to entertain them rather than BBC television.